I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
