i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
