stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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