I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
