my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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