shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
