dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
