When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
