when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
