i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
