Will you blow on my dice?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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