You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
