All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
