Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
