I think i peed on brittanys purse
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
