Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
