dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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