I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there was a trapeze. enough said
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
