Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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