did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
