dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
