I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
