come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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