Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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