the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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