Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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