today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize