I have demons in me.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
