you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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