Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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