I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize