I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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