I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
