Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
