DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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