If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
