quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
