So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize