I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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