The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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