Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
