Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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