you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
