On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
