It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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