Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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