are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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