you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Randomize
