There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
