If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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