she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
