dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
