You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
