you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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