i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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