ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
